stAlucards eyes
Back again

Lately I'm thinking too much, I guess. I want so many things and want them way too fast. And when I don't get them I'm frustrated. Unpatience is a bad habit. A very bad habit. I'm undecided but not in the way my mere aquaintance said. I haven't posted anything for a long time. So, what's new? Remember how I said that cancer and aids are the only two things that I lack? Because I'm always ill? Haha, guess what - I got it. Malignant colon cancer. When the doctor told me I was like "I knew it". No panic. No tears. Just cold perception. In fact my parents suffered more than me. Weird. I got the diagnosis September '09 and was operated October 2nd 2009. T'was really fast but it was about time - a few weeks more and I would have reached a point where the cancer would have been so bad that my chances to survive wouldn't have been that good. Furthermore I was treated by THE expert per se. He's known in whole Germany and because of my young age (18 years) I got him. Concomitant chemoradiotherapy followed. I got an ostomy. An ostomy is very interesting, you know. Sure, you may find it gross because it's nothing more than a bit of your small bowel looking out of a hole in your stomach but humans get used to everything. I'm fondly calling 'her' Irmgard. Or Irmi. (Yes, I am crazy.) She's an asshole - literally. So the day before yesterday I was told the date for my switch-back-to surgery, when Irmgard is going back into my body. It'll be around June 17th. I'm not afraid of the procedure (I already had five surgeries, so yeah...) but of the anesthesia. My immune system is really bad (mainly because of another disease I have but also because of the chemotherapy) and I'm afraid of not waking up again. Sure, it'd be a nice death but there are plenty of things in my room other people should NEVER read or see. N-E-V-E-R. So before I die I have to destroy them. After the surgery I'll be on rehabilitation somewhere north in Germany and that is the part I'm looking forward. 1. My best friend lives nearby. 2. A great friend from the internet lives nearby, too. 3. Another friend from the internet lives nearby. The rehab will last approximately 4 - 6 weeks (depending on my healing progress) and it'll be nice having some known faces around. Number 3 is the only man in my whole life I really trust. He's kind and romantical, looks good and we share a lot of similarities. Of course he's not perfect - nobody is - but as said: he's probably the only man that doesn't cause me to run away. The urge to kick his balls isn't there. I'm just afraid that he could want to cuddle. He's a cuddle addict but I can't handle such close body contact, especially with the opposite gender. So I hope he brings his teddy along because I won't be the one he'll cuddle with. IF he tries then the urge to kill him will probably rise. Or to slap him with something (I already beat a guy with crutches when he tried to kiss me. T'was fun :D). Number 1 - do I have to say more? Already the number (NUMBER 1) tells enough about this woman. She's my best friend for years and although she's quite exhausting sometimes, I love her. Without her I would have killed myself a long time ago. But as you can see I'm still here and all just due to her. She's my lovely bad influence. And finally - number 2. We know each other just for a short time but I trusted her immediately. We get along more than well, it's a pity that all cool people I know live far away from me. Internet has a lot of bad sides and this is one of them. You get to know interesting people but at the same time you're too far away from each other. Concerning men and relationships she's the exact opposite of me - she's heterosexual, moony romantical and at the moment in love. Unfortunately unlucky. I'm really feeling bad for her because she's such a great person! The fact that the one she loves doesn't love her back makes me wanna kill him. But that would be bad for her. So there isn't much I can do except for being there to talk. You see - relationships suck. No wonder I don't want any more of this bullshit. If there was a girl I like perhaps I would reconsider it but a guy? Never ever. Women are better than men. No matter what - woman are sensual in almost every situation. The way they move and sublte signals they send out. My mere aquaintance couldn't believe I can't imagine having sex with a man or even getting a boyfriend. He asked me if a naked man doesn't awake lust in me. Seriously? Naked men are ridiculous. I admit that I like fine arms and a slightly muscular chest when those parts are exposed but this funny thing hanging around further down? No. That only makes me wanna flee laughing hysterically. I also admit that except for one time I've never seen a man's primary sex organ and that was years ago when I still was more a kid than a woman. Anyway - it's disturbing and does not belong somewhere INTO my body. Urgh... To me a boyfriend is the strong shoulder you can rely on. Someone who fulfills the stereotype of protecting the woman. But I like being both - not just 'helpless' and in need of a guardian but also dominant. If you, as a woman, dominate a man he's said to be a wuss. But if you dominate a woman in a relationship and you also are one then it's okay. More or less. I think women are more flexible in this way. I'm sure many men have a problem with being dominated by their girlfriend. To come back to the beginning of my entry - I'm undecided. Because the woman I was talking about almost got me to fall in love again. It's so ironic, don't you think? I mean - for years I've been continuously erasing my emotions, especially love because it's an illusion, in my opinion. And then this girl tells me that I will fall in love again for sure, that I can't run away from it and - it happened, I guess. Now I know - it IS possible to forget how loving feels like. I... don't know for sure if I'm in love or not. It's a weird feeling that's confusing me. But I got it under control. You can learn how to erase emotions, you know. And I've learned it so I'm getting fine again. Curse you! Almost getting me to fall in love again. Frightening thought. Now I'm feeling better. Fascinating how much power writing has, I'm relieved that I wrote all this stuff down. Should said woman read this: >D
1.5.10 20:29

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